Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
