Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
