He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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