i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
