why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
