uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
