My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
