Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
