If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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