True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
As shirtless as possible
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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