well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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