Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
