I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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