She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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