How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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