Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
