I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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