why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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