I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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