I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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