I heard we made out
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
