when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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