His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
