The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
