No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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