im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
