There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
