dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
