My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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