I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
