Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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