Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
