Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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