she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
