your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
