You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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