Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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