So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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