i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
