he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
