I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
