WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
