I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
