I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
