while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
