how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
