there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
