Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
