So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
