I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
