Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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