Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
