omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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